One Random and Retarded Story
by BeanTheNinja
Summary: This is a Story of Calum and Ben in the Naruto world. See what they do. Includes random things. Enjoy. No yaoi or yuri. Lemon in the story later if your lucky. Please read and Review. This ain't continuing
1. Introduction

One Random and Retarded Story

One Random and Retarded Story

Chapter one

Introduction

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A/N: This is my very first fan fiction so if you have a problem with it put the complaint in the review. Master Chief, do you want to do the disclaimer?

Master Chief: "This guy does not own Naruto because Shonen Jump does."

Cortana: "or Halo for that matter because Bungie does."

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One day in the land of fire two foreign ninja were walking along a path that would take them to Konoha AKA The Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Both ninja were from Australia (Unknown to the Naruto Universe) and were teenagers. One of them is older then the other. The oldest looked around 17 year's old, black hair and a tall, muscly body. He's the kind of person you don't want to mess around with when he's angry but when he is a good mood he is fairly nice. He is a Jonin but has the strength to put craters in the ground when he is pissed off. This guys name is Calum. The younger one is Ben; Ben is 15, has bluey-grey eyes, brown hair and a kind face with a grin. Ben is slightly shorter then Calum and a lot less muscles but he is still strong when he needs to be but he is lazy most of the time. Ben is a Chunin but has a huge knowledge of Jutsus. Don't annoy him or go against him because he will literally shoot you in the back. Ok, back to the story.

So Calum and Ben are walking down the path to Konoha but Ben thought they weren't going the right way.

Ben: "Hey Calum"

Calum: "Yeah"

Ben: "Are we going the right way?"

Calum: "Of course we are, didn't you here the author?"

Ben: **sigh** "Yeah, I heard him, but what if he's wrong."

Calum: "The author is never wrong, isn't that right almighty author?"

Me: "That is right."

**Calum turns back to Ben**: "See"

Ben: "Yeah, let's find someone to ask just in case."

"Ok." Calum said annoyed

So they keep on walking for a few minutes and they hear a female voice.

The Voice purrs: "I can help you."

"Who's there?" Calum asked "Show yourself!"

"Yeah show yourself!" Ben shouted while pulling out a kunai.

A human sized Female Nine-Tailed fox came slinking out of the forest beside them. The Fox was red and had giant breasts inside of the red shirt she was wearing.

"I'm the demon fox, Kyuubi no Kitsune" Kyuubi cooed "but you can just call me Kyuubi"

"Riiiight" Ben said sarcastically while returning his kunai to its holster.

"I'm Calum and this dork is Ben" Calum said while checking out Kyuubi.

"Hey, I am not a dork" Ben said defensively.

**Shrug** "Whatever, so Kyuubi, this dork wants to know if we are going the right way to Konoha" Calum said still eyeing Kyuubi.

"You most definitely are" Replied Kyuubi eyeing Calum with interest.

**Calum wacks Ben over the Head** "I told you we were going the right way and the author is never wrong" Calum said with superiority in his voice.

All Calum got back from Ben is a grunt while he was rubbing his head.

Calum noticed Kyuubi eyeing him and asked "why are you looking at me like that?"

"I haven't had sex in a few hundred years" Kyuubi said with lust in her voice "So I'm taking you if you like it or not"

00 "WTF?!" Ben shouted

"You can go Ben, I just want Calum" Kyuubi said hungrily.

"Yeeaaah" Calum said creeped out "maybe some other time"

"NO, NOW!" Kyuubi shouted and leaped at Calum to drag him back into the forest.

"HELLLLP!" Calum's fading voice shouted as he got dragged further into the forest.

Ben just dropped to the ground laughing. When he regained control he stood up and pulled an Ipod out of his pocket. The last thing Ben heard before his music drowned out every other noise was Calum shouting:

"When I find you Ben I'm going to kill you"

"Ha" Then Ben just continued down the path to Konoha with music blaring in his ears.

And if you weren't listening to music you would hear shouts of pain and moans of pleasure.

A/N: There my first Fan Fiction. So please Read and Review.


	2. Konoha

One Random and Retarded Story

One Random and Retarded Story

Chapter 2

Konoha

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Yay, Second Chapter. Enjoy. Oh and I do not own Naruto.

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Ben was finally at the gates of Konoha, so he just stood there and admired the huge oak doors.

"Finally, any longer and I would have summoned my flying mount….Damn it!" he said annoyed with himself "oh well I'm here now"

So he took a few more steps which brought him in to The Village Hidden in the Leaves. He was impressed at how big it was and how beautiful it looked. He took in every bit of detail of the village. The 5 faces that were on the mountain in the distance, (Yes, this is after the time skip) Ben guessed they were the previous and current Hokages' of the village, the big red administration building right in front of the faces and the strong smell of delicious ramen. One of the ninjas stationed at the front gate came over and welcomed Ben.

"Hello and welcome to Konoha, my name is Izumo Kamizuki" Izumo welcomed politely with a bow.

"Hi, I'm Ben" Ben replied just as politely while returning the bow.

"Why do you come to Konoha on this fine day?" Izumo asked.

"I would like to join this village and become a great shinobi using your villages training methods" Replied Ben.

"Is that so, well then you will have to follow me to the Hokage's office then" Izumo said.

"Of course" said Ben while giving Izumo a nod "Lead the Way".

"Ok" Izumo replied.

So Ben followed Izumo to the big red administration building and up a ramp that took them almost the whole way up. When they arrived on the second landing Izumo lead Ben through a door which brought them into a hallway. Coming down the hallway was a woman about thirty-one years old with dark green hair, wearing a kimono and carrying a pig. Izumo introduced Ben:

"Shizune, this is Ben, He wishes to join the village" Izumo introduced Ben, the is Shizune, the Hokage's assistant".

"Nice to meet you" Ben said with a bow.

"Nice to meet you to" Shizune replied while returning the bow "and this is TonTon, the Hokage's pet pig"

Ben said "how are you TonTon?"

The pig in the jumper and pearl necklace replied "ooooiink oink".

"Ha ha ha" Ben laughed.

"You said you wanted to join the village, right?" Shizune asked.

"Yeah that's right" Ben confirmed.

"That means you need to see the Hokage, she will be free in a few minutes" Shizune said "Izumo you can go back to your post".

"Yes ma'am" Izumo said, bowed and left.

Ben could hear muffled voices shouting, one of a teenaged boy and one of a woman.

The boy shouted "I don't want to do it, I want to continue my training!"

"You will go or I will send you back to the academy!" The woman shouted in return.

"Oh no, not again" Shizune whined.

"What, do those two shouting always have a go at each other?" Ben asked.

"Sadly, yes" Shizune confirmed.

And at that moment the boy came hurtling through the Hokage's office door and in to the hallway. The boy had blond hair sticking up, whisker marks on his cheeks and an orange and black jumpsuit. He was also unconscious with a huge lump on is head.

** Sigh** "And that's how it always ends" Shizune said shaking her head.

A woman that looked around thirty-five with blond hair tied into two potails came storming out of the office fuming with rage and she shouted:

"YOU ARE GOING ON THIS MISSION IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!" Then she turned to someone in the office and said "Take care of the idiot Sakura".

"Yes, master" Said a beautiful female voice.

A Female teenaged girl with a look of embarrassment and disgust on her face but Ben thought she still looked beautiful. He admired her pink hair, her beautiful feminine body and her gorgeous face.

Ben walked up to her and said "Hi, I'm Ben".

She replies while heaving Naruto's body onto her shoulders "I'm Sakura and this lump of st is Naruto".

"You said she was you sensei, who is she anyway?" Ben asked.

The lady heard this and said with pride in her voice: I am Tsunade, Hokage of Konoha and Sakura and Shizune's sensei".

"Aren't you a bit old to be her sensei?" Ben said gesturing at Shizune.

"I put a genjutsu on myself to seem younger to everyone when I am actually fifty-three" Tsunade explained.

"And I also thought that women didn't like to reveal their actual age" Ben said.

"Well I don't care what people think of me anyway" Tsunade said "Now Sakura get dirt bag to the hospital".

"Yes master" Sakura said with a bow "See ya 'round Ben".

"Yeah, see ya" Ben replied.

And with that Sakura was off.

"Now, Shizune tells me you want to join the village" Tsunade said.

"That is correct" Ben confirmed.

"Ok then, step into my office so we can get down to business" Tsunade said "I thought you had something to do Shizune?"

"Oops, I almost forgot" Shizune admitted "I better go do it then, bye" Shizune bowed Left.

Tsunade's office was a round room with a great view from the huge window behind Tsunade's desk. Tsunade walked behind her desk and sat down in her chair then she gestured at one of the chairs in front of the desk. So Ben took the offer and sat down in one of the chairs.

A/N This story will continue next time. Read and Review please.


	3. Calum goes Demon

On Random and Retarded Story

On Random and Retarded Story

Chapter 3

Calum goes Demon

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A/N: Chapter 3, Yay!! Calum wasn't in chapter 2 so it's fair to put him in this one. Enjoy.

Superman: He does not own Naruto or me. Remember people, flying is the safest way of travelling.

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Back in the forest where we last left Calum; Calum emerges from the forest with tattered clothing and demonic chakra surrounding him. Kyuubi comes slinking out of forest looking relieved. In their 'bondage session' the Kyuubi transferred some of her chakra through the 'private regions' of their bodies. Now Calum can harness some of the power of the Nine-Tailed Fox. Also the Kyuubi gave Calum a seal on the forehead so they can talk to each other mentally and Calum can draw on the chakra he received. Calum being fuelled by this chakra, his rage and anger he was ready to kill and he won't stop until he does kill. In his anger he shouted:

"Ben, as soon as I find you, **you're dead**!" He used a deep and demonic voice for the last two words.

Back in the Hokage's office Ben sneezed.

"Someone must be talking about me" Ben said wiping his nose.

"Ok your forms are done, so if you can just get your friend up to me you can be apart of our village" Tsunade said not hearing Ben.

"Right" Ben said in return.

Back to Calum in the forest.

"I didn't give you that chakra so you could go around killing people, I gave it to you so you can protect yourself in when you are running low on your own" Kyuubi said disapprovingly.

(Calum and Kyuubi are now in a relationship)

"Awwww, come on just this once, pleeeeaaasssse" Calum whined.

"Fine, Just this once, but if I catch you using it for killing for no reason I will take it away just like that" Kyuubi finished with a flick of her tail that destroyed several trees.

"Sweet, oh, and one more thing" Calum said.

"What will that be?" Kyuubi asked.

"Do you have a split personality?" Calum asked back.

"Yes I do" Kyuubi said matter-of-factly.

"Ok and they are?" Calum asked.

"Caring Kyuubi and obsessed with sex Kyuubi" Kyuubi replied.

"**Sweet**" Calum said getting his rage back on "**Now I'm going to kill**".

Then Calum sped of down the path to Konoha ripping out several trees on the way.

Outside the Administration building Tsunade was bowing a fair well to Ben. Ben returned the bow.

"So find your friend and this village will be your home" Tsunade said.

Ben was about to reply when this loud, demonic voice shouted:

"**Ben, Come out, come out, wherever you are**!"

Ben gulped and said in a frightened voice "I think he found me".

"That's his voice?" Tsunade asked

"I presume so" Ben replied.

"What do you mean you presume so?!" Tsunade asked.

"Well the last time I saw him he was getting dragged into the forest outside these walls by a red human sized fox named Kyuubi" Ben admitted.

"Kyuubi?!" Tsunade shouted.

"Yeeeeah" Ben said nervously.

"We better check this out then" Tsunade said.

"Ok" Ben Replied.

So they jumped across rooftops until they were at a house close to the front gate of Konoha. Just close enough to see the evil thing down at the front gate. The thing looked fox like with solid white charka surrounding it. It had big fox ears, fox paws with claws, fox legs, three big fox tails and red eyes that looked like they could kill people (Not the Sharingan). Plus on the forehead of the creature was a strange seal, Ben and Tsunade presumed that it was the seal where the thing was getting its demonic chakra from. But little did they know that the thing knew they were there. The creature roared:

"**I know you are there Ben so come out and so I can kill you**!"

"That's Calum alright" Ben confirmed.

"You sure?" Tsunade asked.

"Definitely" Ben replied.

"Ok" Tsunade said while pulling a mobile phone out of a pocket, and then she dialled a number and said "Get me Tenzo (Yamato), now!"

The reply was a man saying "Yes, Tsunade-sama".

The second Tsunade hung up a man wearing grey amour and a dog mask appeared.

"Tenzo, go get Naruto, he is in the hospital, you know which room" Tsunade ordered "I'll ring you and tell you where to come".

"Yes Tsunade-sama "The man bowed and poofed away in a cloud of smoke.

"Now Ben, can you do Shadow Clones?" Tsunade asked.

"Oh hell yes" Ben replied enthusiastically.

"How good are they?" asked Tsunade.

"They're Excellent!, (The sound of an electric guitar plays) they last as long as I want them to last" Replied Ben

"Good, send a clone out to distract him and get behind me no matter what happens" Ordered Tsunade.

"Ok" (Ben does a familiar cross with his fingers) "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

From out of a cloud of smoke comes a perfect clone of Ben appears.

"Go distract Calum for a while ok" Said Ben

"Ok'" Said Ben's clone.

The clone of Ben jumps down in front of Calum while Ben goes off with Tsunade to a safe distance.

"Hey, Butt head, you want this!" Ben's clone shouted while showing his ass.

Because Calum can't tell the difference between real and Shadow Clone Calum replied "**Kiss your ass goodbye because you're about to die!**"

A/N Until next time see ya!


	4. Kyuubi no Kitsune

One Random and Retarded Story

Chapter 4

Kyuubi no Kitsune

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A/N: School work is getting in the way of everything, Sigh, Here is Chapter 4.

Ichigo: BeanTheNinja does not own Naruto or Bleach.

* * *

Calum in Demon form lunged at Ben's clone but the clone was already running away.

"**I will get you no matter how long it takes and when I do your balls are mine**!!" Demonic Calum roared.

The clone stopped, snorted and retorted "As if you lump of dog crap".

Calum roared and charged and Ben's clone resumed running away. Then all of a sudden they were running like someone had pushed fast forward on a remote and the Benny Hill theme was playing. Both of them ignored this and continued running around Konoha, One trying to kill and one looking cool while running away. Little did they know hat on top of the Hokage monument Sasuke Uchiha (That's right, he didn't leave) was rolling around, laughing his head off at what was happening down in the village. On the ground next to him was a blue remote that could control time, well control the time of whet ever you point at, and a potable stereo playing the Benny Hill theme.

I say to myself "I think I got to teach this ass hole a lesson".

I suddenly appear next to him and say "Hey Saskue".

He recovers from his laughing fit and asks "Who are you and what do you want?".

"Me, I'm the author, as for what I want, that remote and that stereo" I say while pointing at both objects.

"No way, They're mine" Saskue said while picking up both remote and stereo "So get lost".

"I'm not leaving until I have them because your fg with my story you little gay st" I retort.

Saskue drops his possessions, points at me and shouts "I'm not gay!".

"And You're also an emo!" I shout in return.

"Ok, I'm an emo but I'm not gay" Saskue admitted.

"Oh yeah, prove" I say bitterly.

"Ok, I will" Saskue said darkly.

"If you can get laid by the seventh chapter, and it has to be a girl, then I will believe your not gay, ok" I say.

"Ok, this is going to be easy" Saskue replied with a grin.

"And it can't be Anko, she'll do any man that wants her to give them a ride" I say.

"Damn, ok" Saskue replies with a dark look.

"Shake on it" I say putting out a hand.

Saskue reaches out, grabs my hand and we give each other a short shake while staring and each other. Then he leaves without taking his stuff.

"Oh right, the story" I say to myself. Then I walk over to the stereo, pull out a gun and shoot it several times. The music stops. Then I pick up the remote, press play then snap it in half.

"Let's just hope I don't have to come back into the story myself again" I say to myself. Then I disappear. Calum is still trying to kill Ben, I think I will leave him to it for a while. How 'bout we head to the top of the administration building to catch up with the real Ben. On the roof stood Tsunade, Ben, Tenzo (Yamato) and Naruto.

"Naruto, can you make the fox inside of you talk to us?" Tsunade asked.

"I don't know, I'll ask him" Naruto replied.

Deep inside Naruto sub-conscious came a deep, demonic voice saying "**Yes I can talk to them, I just need to borrow your mouth for a while**".

"Ok" Naruto replied to the voice.

"**So what do you want?**" The voice come out of Naruto's mouth wasn't his but the Nine-tailed foxes.

"Is that you Kyuubi?" Tsunade asked the fox.

"**Yes it is I, Kyuubi no Kitsune, so what do you want**?" Kyuubi asked again.

"There is a person trying to kill someone and he has chakra shaped like a fox surrounding him" Tsunade explained "I thought only Naruto could do that because of you?".

"I'm the one he is trying to kill but currently he is chasing my clone" Ben put in "But before he tried to kill me he was dragged of by another fox with nine tail and called herself Kyuubi no Kitsune".

"I**t's my god damned sister, Karin no Kitsune**" Kyuubi said with disgust in his voice.

"Karin no Kitsune, never heard of her" said Tsunade.

"**Course you never heard of her, she usually goes by my freaking name**" Kyuubi replied.

"Can you give us some info about her?" Ben asked.

"**Yeah, why f****ucking not" **Kyuubi said** "Karin is sort of a nut, every hundred years or so she goes out looking for a person to have some fun with if they f****ucking like it or not".**

"There's no need to swear" Ben said.

"**Shut the Fuc****k up, interrupt me again and you'll be sorry**" Kyuubi said while giving Ben the death stare.

"Ok, sorry" Ben with a bit of fear in his voice.

"**Damn straight, now when Karin and her victim have a 'Bondage session' she transfers some-**" Kyuubi said before he was interrupted.

"We already know that, tell us something we don't know" Ben interrupted.

"**What the f****uck did I just say**!!" Kyuubi shouted.

"_Sorry_" Ben squeaked.

"J**ust keep you f****ucking mouth shut**" Kyuubi snapped "**Now you seem to know that Karin transfers chakra into her mating partner but in that chakra is like a love drug that will make the receiver love Kyuubi until he's dead**".

"**The person will die , eventually, he can't be killed, or die of old age, the demon chakra in him will send him mad and then it will kill him**".

"I**ronic don't you think, the thing that makes him invincible, kills him**" Kyuubi said " **But it won't kill him for over a hundred years**".

"Great story, but what do we do if the chakra surrounds him and makes him want to kill?" Tsunade asked.

"**Just treat him like a normal jinnchuriki, use a jutsu or something**" Kyuubi said while inspecting Naruto's fingernails "**And he will eventually fuse with that chakra, so one day he will look like a half demon fox- half human".**

And with that Naruto was back.

"So, did he give you anything helpful?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah he did" Tsunade said while taking the necklace she gave him "I need to borrow this".

"Hey, you gave it to me remember" Naruto said while trying to get it back.

"You'll get it back, if it isn't destroyed "Tsunade replied while handing the necklace to Tenzo "You know what to do".

"Yes ma'am" Tenzo replied, bowed and poofed away in a cloud of smoke.

"I better get it back" Naruto said in a stubborn voice.

"Oh shut up" Tsunade retorted.

"What is Tenzo going to do?" Ben said wondering.

"You'll see" Tsunade said back reassuringly.

A/N: Until next time stay tuned.


End file.
